Amongst years of fixing a distorted, somewhat cliche’ teenage girl, My multiple Councillors, psychiatrists and crisis teams have many times bullet-pointed certain coincidences in my notes. In the actual words of my main help Patricia Simons I have one of the most addictive personalities she has ever come across. With reading that I also agree.
Studying psychology for almost a year non stop has helped me more than any medication has ever. Understanding myself and most of all understanding my brain.
Through my teenage years I have been much more than hormonal or a teenage girl with a slight chemical unbalance. I have been living the consequences of my childhood. Repairing the damage and punishing myself for allowing the damage to be caused.
Putting the younger years aside i was ‘bullied’ in each secondary school i went to, five in total. I was spat at, kicked, punch, pushed down the stairs, had my hair cut off and was locked in a cupboard for a whole day. Now, i write down those things, i laugh. I don’t why, but I do. I don’t live in self-loathing for my experiences with ‘bullying’ because i really do believe that made me stronger and i tend not to dwell on it as bullying is so common these days, most people have been through it. I moved to Wales in 07. My friend Kirsten slit her wrists in the school toilets and i found her, That was my first experience of self harm or depression.When i moved back to my home town my nickname was ‘Annie’ I soon found out they called me this because I appeared ‘too thin and anorexic’. I didn’t mind because at that point eating or not eating wasn’t something that bothered me too much. At the time me and my mother lived in a one bedroom bungalow together. My mum wasn’t best behaved.
In the past five years I have been through ridiculous things, that make me cringe because i hate the feeling of being pitied or felt-sorry-for. In those years I have gone from one addiction to the other, from drugs - any type, any high, any low. To starvation, to cleaning, to alcohol, to cutting, to alcohol. These things appear incredibly cliche’ posted on a website such as Tumblr because there are so many troubled souls with the same problems.
Every time i have been taken into sanctuaries and lock-downs for my own safety, I’ve hated it. I hated that someone or a group of people were caring for me. When I am admitted to hospital I refuse a bed and ask them to give it to someone else who needs it more than me. I sit in the A&E nurses station, I know them all and they all know me. In sanctuaries i walk around feeling numb, empty (all of those cliche’ emotional words, y’know’) and tears fall from my eyes despite my feelings, I never feel sad, So i don’t see a reason for the tears. I tell them my eyes are watering and i don’t know why and that’s it.
Last year I had ECT (electric convulsive therapy). More commonly known as Electric shock treatment and yes, they still use it. Just not so much. I was sectioned and diagnosed with multiple personalities, EDNOS ontop of my already diagnosed Schizophrenia.
I felt that all these names were controlling me, I was known for the names they diagnosed me with, rather than the person I was. So i learnt, I learnt about what was happening to me and became able to recognize when i was hallucinating and when i was actually hearing, a baby crying, the wind blowing or a person screaming. I began to control myself without medication (minus anti-anxiety medication for the addictive side of my personality) got a job, then another, then another. Paid a local dance tutor to re-build me. (years before I had been told to leave me ballet school because i was ‘too weak’ and it broke my heart) Ann re-built me and made me audition, she pushed me further and further, but not too far. I’ve gained weight in muscle and it is really hard for me to look in the mirror and see ‘meat’ on my bones. But I will not let it ruin the career I’ve dreamed of for fourteen years, now. I will fight the temptation to fall back into myself when i look in the mirror and dislike the new; me.
Ontop of other problems my addictive personality leaves me with one constant fear, If I’m not overly skinny, overly pretty, or out-going, how will I prove special to anyone? It’s a constant doubt in my mind, feeling inadequate and fearing proving significant to anyone.
I know understand my problems but still continue an on-going struggle with my head and my heart. I wake up some morning’s, feel great anxiety and feel asif i can’t deal with it. But once that passes I’m strong. It’s a routine of reassuring myself i can do this.
I am achieving my goals. Despite hating myself. If i can do it with my pickled hidden past. I’m sure you can too. I’m always, always here to help anyone who is worse off than me.